Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment

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ARE YOU USING SEX AS A TOOL IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Are you the type of person that is always taking and never giving? Do you seek sex from your spouse for the pure enjoyment of getting your rocks off, and not being mindful of your spouse’s need?  Are you using sex as a tool in your relationship?

We need to understand that we all have needs, and we must learn to be respectful of our partners. Sex is primarily a spiritual act of oneness symbolized with a physical act. For it to be a blessing in marriage, there needs to be emotional and spiritual wholeness, free of domination, manipulation and control from either spouse.

Emotional wounding or bondage in either person will damage and distort sexual intimacy. To have a healthy sexuality, you need complete trust, mutual respect and appreciation of each other which leads to oneness of body, soul and spirit. This creates a godly sexual soul tie. An ungodly sexual soul tie occurs when sexuality becomes a tool of control. Yes, there can be an ungodly sexual soul tie even in Christian marriage. There can even be sexual abuse in Christian marriage, which is covered up by insisting on the scriptural submission of women to the will of the male.

Know in your heart, that it is a sin to dominate, manipulate or control a spouse in any way, including sexuality. It shows disrespect and treats the person as an object to meet the emotional needs of the other.

Sexuality can be used as a tool of punishment or reward to control the other spouse. When it is used as a way of reassuring yourself of worth or acceptance, it can easily become an addiction that drives you for more. A very simple test of sexuality is to ask yourself this question, “during sex are you lovingly giving yourself to your spouse or taking what you believe to be rightfully yours?” If you are taking then you are on dangerous ground!

In my observation, most sexual problems are emotional and spiritual, not physical. The solution is the healing of our wounds. We need to learn to love unconditionally. When we can detach ourselves from believing that we have total control of our spouses’ body, mind and soul and learn to trust and give them the love and respect they deserve, then we are on our way to learning the greatest lesson of all. “The art of a lover is to make the love last as long as possible.” Capture the spirit of this sentence and you capture the meaning of learning how to love unconditionally. In any relationship, this is the greatest challenge of all. However, it is one that we must learn to embrace, and understand if we are to have a complete loving and romantic life together as one.

Using Sex as a tool to control your spouse will only destroy any love that was developed in the relationship from the beginning.  Sooner are later your spouse is going to get tire of being used and abused and the results is going to end in disaster.  Learn to build respect between you and your spouse, and give without expecting anything in return.  Know that God is love, and He commands us to love our neighbor as ourselves.  That simply means loving our spouse and their bodies as we would love our self and our own bodies, and not using sex as a tool in your relationship.